The Treacherous Agenda of a Deluded, Seagull-Fearing Irish Senator

by Owen James Burke

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A few chips snatched from seaside diners caught unawares, and excitable, bloodthirsty politicians call for a tactless and futile cull, warning of some not-too-distant Hitchcockian apocalypse. Image: The Sunday Times.

“I think it is coming to the stage where [gulls] are endangering society,” Senator Denis O’Donovan, of Fianna Fail, told the Seanad, the upper house of parliament in Dublin.

Sen. O’Donovan also stated, matter-of-factly, that seafood stocks were getting so scarce that seagulls were turning to killing lambs, rabbits and “taking food out of children’s mouths.” And who, if any creature at all, might be responsible for depleting these seafood stocks, senator?

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Above: Irish Senator Denis O’Donovan. Photo: Irish Times.

The paranoia runs deep. This rash call to action comes after fellow Senator Ned O’Sullivan and UK Prime Minister David Cameron himself made comments within the last year regarding the ruthless, savage flying rats. Prime Minister Cameron was quoted as having said that a “big conversation needs to happen about this,” adding, “We do have a problem.”

If Ireland really wished to examine any reasonable solution to the recent change in maritime avian behavior, they might want to look at the catastrophic overfishing caused by their own fleet, scraping their ‘Sparkling Sea’ dry. (For statistics, read more here. Apart from the EU, Norway alone had a specific bone to pick with Ireland regarding their overfishing of what, coincidentally, happens to make up the primary diet of the North Atlantic gull: mackerel. Hmm. . . .)

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Above: a common (sea)gull. A ferocious-looking half-pound devil, no? Public Domain/Wikimedia Commons.

Head for distant shores, or sharpen your beaks and talons, my feathery friends. The fat is in the fire, and you’re under siege. And though you’ve taken your fair share of feeds from my hand (and even turned around to recycle them upon my scalp) I’ll continue to cherish our relationship for everything it’s worth. After all, it’s your imparted wisdom to which I owe appreciation for a great deal of my own dinners.

Read more at the Belfast Telegraph. -OJB

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