Pterodactyls, Mermaids, Cannibals, H-Bombs and Mormon Whales – Our Favorite Fake Ocean Stories from World News Daily
by Chris Dixon
The famed Savannah Hydrogen Bomb Found! Well, maybe not.
World News Daily Report is an online candy store for birthers, truthers, tinfoil hat wearers, cryptozoologists right and left-wing conspiracy theorists. It’s the Weekly World News for a new era, and a poster website for PT Barnum’s famed adage “There’s a Sucker Born Every Minute.”
World News Daily churns out click-bait stories with the hopes that you’ll visit their real world advertisers like Starbucks and CNN. It’s a brilliant – and disturbing – business model.
Would you like a latté and some Jesus to go with your $200,000,000 in gold?
WWDR’s stories are passed around the Interwebs like a nuclear hot potato and its hard hitting reporters, Barbara Johnson and Bill Flanagan seem able to scoop every other journalist on the planet at will. In fact, Bob is the real life brother of Tommy Flanagan, a Saturday Night Live Op/Ed contributor who fought alongside the Philippines’ Ferdinand Marcos in World War II.
Tommy Flanagan, brother of World News Daily Report’s Bob Flanagan.
Before I offend too many of my gullible friends and colleagues, let me also point out that I’m also regularly lured into clicking on WWDR’s stories. But it doesn’t take much research to conclude that sites like this that keep Snopes.com in existence. Here’s a sampling of the ocean stories that might have acutally made headlines on TheScuttlefish – if they were true…
Surely a gift of fertilizer from the Angel Moroni
Farmington| A dairy farmer from a small town near the Great Salt Lake in Utah, made an incredible discovery on his property while he was looking for one of his cows that had not returned. 69-year old Michael Woodson, found a 12 meter long humpback whale laying lifeless in the middle of one of his fields, hundreds of kilometers away its natural habitat.
Damn you SNOPES.
Imoverished Costa Rican park rangers gladly hand over $200,000,000 in treasure.
San José| A group of Costa Rican park rangers patrolling in the Parque Nacional Isla del Coco after a recent storm, have discovered one of the most amazing treasure hoards in modern history. The treasure consists of gold and silver coins and ingots, jewellery, candlesticks and religious items, and is estimated to be worth almost 200,000,000$.
Must be all the protein
Gembogl| A tribal man from the hinterland of Papua New-Guinea named Akaro-Muru, claims to be the oldest man alive in the world today at 129 years old. Even more surprising, the elder of the Omo Masalai tribe adds that his incredible longevity is due to the ritual cannibalism still practised by his tribe on a regular basis.
Built by drunken spring break scuba diving co-eds.
“Underwater, things don’t always seem to be what they really are” he explains. “People come to the Bahamas to party, and are often under the influence of alcohol or even drugs, which could distort their visual perception. On the other hand, these rocks show very peculiar arrangements which are fairly unusual in natural occurring geological formations” he adds.
Working for the Rat Race.
…The ship could now pose an important threat to the American public, as the ship is believed to be infested with thousands of starving rats possibly carrying the ebola virus. Many of the witnesses who came across the ship over the last months, have indeed reported seeing the rodents feeding off the crew’s bodies as the ship went by. Experts fear that these animals could now spread the disease to humans and other animals on the continent, creating an uncontrolable ebola pandemic in the United States.
Double damn you SNOPES.
If only this one were true.
The captain of the world’s only whaling factory ship, who is also the commander of the Japanese whaling fleet, Akinori Hayashida, took the world by surprise this morning when he announced that he was resigning from his position to join the international ecological organization, Greenpeace.
Enforcers – sent by Paul Watson…
…“It seems Japan just doesn’t give a damn about international law” explains environmental activist and spokesman for Greenpeace Canada, James Ben Shahali, based in Vancouver. “The waste of life is always a shame, but the whales are not to blame here, they were only doing what they are born to do: kill for food” he adds.
…“I saw my brothers being pulled into the water as if the Devil himself had summoned these creatures from the depths of the ocean. It all happened so suddenly, all our crew members were sucked under the dark waters of the raging sea. I will be haunted by these visions for the rest of my life” admits the second survivor, who has suffered multiple bites to his legs and arms which could possibly necessitate amputation has confirmed a spokesman of the San Diego Hospital.
Wait, maybe that’s just Rodan.
“Ropen has always lived in Jaya” explains chief Roani, referring to Irian Jaya, the Indonesian name of the province. “Many children slain by ropen before the white man bring guns to Dayak people ” he adds.
To be the subject of the Discovery Channel’s next completely true “Shark Week” documentary.
The recent discovery has raised great enthusiasm from experts abroad who are pondering the fact that other thought to be extinct species might still be dwelling in the depths of the seas. “This is very exciting news for the future of ocean exploration as technology is permitting us to go deeper and deeper every day” explains marine biologist Suzan Chopper from the University of Sydney, Australia. “I just don’t know how well our submarines would do against a giant monster like this” she adds.
And the subject of Discovery’s upcoming “Mermaid Week” documentary
The crew of seven men from Papua New Guinea thought it had discovered the corpse of a human female, probably victim of a crime or an accident, and contacted the New Zealand coast guard, who then themselves asked the help of the federal police. After clearing the remains from the sand, it became obvious that the body was not entirely human.